NIGERIAN MAN

A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to
marry a Swedish lady in order to be legally
certified via resident status... but the lady was
not aware of this. She felt he really loved her.
Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad
rap in that particular part of Sweden, our
chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he
was from Uganda.
Upon marriage, the lady came home one day
and informed our man that she had just met
another Swedish lady who had married a
Ugandan and they must all have dinner
together.
The Naija man was somewhat perplexed,
although not perceptibly, and wondered how
he'd get out of this spot. He postponed and
postponed until he could do so no more.
Finally, the day came when they were to have
dinner. The other Swede came in with her
Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table.
Our Naija chappie was very quiet. "My own
don spoil today" was all he could think.
The two Swedish ladies, wanting their
husbands to mingle, being from the same
homeland, asked them to speak to each other.
"Hey! It's not every day you meet people from
home.!" they admonished.
Our Naija man, being a man of great savvy,
decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and
the guy would probably assume he was from
some part of Uganda where they spoke a
different language. So looking across the
table he said: "Egbon Eko ni mi se? Ni bo lo ti
ja wa?" In Yoruba, this loosely translates to:
"I'm a Lagos man. Where did you come
from?" Remember, Lagos is a state in Nigeria,
and it used to be the capital.
The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit
up as he said: "Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi
se! Omo Eko gan gan!" In Yoruba, this loosely
translates to "Hey buddy! I'm a Lagos child. A
REAL Lagos child!"

                    Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

GYNECOLOGIST TURN MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with
malpractice insurance and paperwork, and
was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to
become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam
approached, the gynaecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam
with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was
surprised to find that he had obtained a score
of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
saying,
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such
an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is
an error in the grade?"
The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the
mark."
After a pause, the instructor added,
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it
all through the exhaust, which I've never seen
done in my entire career"




Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

PRESCRIPTION TO KILL

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into
the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into
his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some
cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the
world do you need
cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison
my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big
and he


explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you
cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the
law? I’ll lose my
license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely
not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the
pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at
the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you
had a prescription.”


                                                                      - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

PASTOR'S ASS

A pastor entered his donkey in a donkey race competition and it
won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
in another race and it won again. The following morning it was
published in the news and newspapers.
The news headline reads:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The
next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun
in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .


The Bishop fainted. When he was revived, he informed the nun
that she would have to get rid oft he donkey so she sold it to a
farmer for $10. The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun
to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it
could run free. The next day the headlines read :
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. 


Alas... The Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY
 Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief
and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and
enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone Else's ass and you'll live
longer.


                                                                          - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

WHO TURNED THE WHEEL?

This is a true incident that happened place in
Soweto about a month ago.
A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night
in the
middle of a storm.
The storm was so strong that he could
hardly see his
feet in front of him. Suddenly a car stopped
next to him.
Without thinking, he got in & closed the
door, just to
realize that there was nobody behind the
steering
wheel!
The car moved slowly.
He looked ahead & saw a curve in the road.
Scared he started praying, begging for his life.
He was terrified.
Just before hitting the curve a hand
appeared
through the window & turned the steering
wheel.
The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched
how the
hand kept appearing ...every time they got to
a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped
out & ran to the
nearest lights he could see. Wet & in shock,
he went
into a shebeen & asked for a double brandy.
After drinking it, he told every one of the
incredible
experience he just had. Everyone was silent
when they
realized he was crying. About half an hour
later, two men came walked into
the shebeen &, on seeing the terrified man,
the one
said to the other:
"Mfowetu isn't that the idiot that got into the
car while we were pushing it?


                                                                          - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

AN HISTORY CLASS

It was the first day of the session and a new
direct entry student; Mensah, a Ghanaian, joined the class
in one of Nigeria's universities.


The Lecturer said, "let's begin by reviewing
some Nigeria history."


The Lecturer asked who said,
 "I shall return to die in the land of my fathers?"
She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Mensah, who had his
hand up. Mensah replied: "King Jaja of
Opobo, 1875"
"very good!" said lecturer.

Then she asked again, who said, "The land
use act will feed the nation?"
Again, no response except from Mensah:
"Obasanjo, 1976."

The Lecturer snapped at the
class; "class, you should be
ashamed. Mensah, who is new to our
Country, knows more about its history than you do."
The Lecturer heard a loud whisper: "Ghana
must go". "who said that?" she demanded,
Mensah put his hand up, "Buhari 1984."
At that point, a student in the back scornfully 
said; "Hmmm, you think you are smart?"
 The Lecturer glared and asked; "All
right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Mensah said, "Babangida to Abiola,
1992."

Now furious, another student
yelled; "Oh yeah! Eat this!" Mensah jumped
out of his chair waving his hand and
shouting to the Lecturer,
"Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha,
1992".

Now, with almost mob hyseria,
someone said; "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."
Mensah frantically yelled at the at the top of
his voice; "Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!"

The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered
around her on the floor, someone said; "Oh
shit, we're in Big trouble now!"
Mensah whispered; "Chimaroke Nnamani,
Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007" 
Someone angrily said; "Don't answer him, 
he is a fool" Mensah smiled replied;
"Obansanjo to IBB, 2011"


                                                                    - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus.

ENGLISH MADE IN NIGERIA

*ABEG DRESS BACK*....


*Mummy HAVE come*....


*I'll tell my daddy FOR
YOU*....


*See as you BAFF up*....


*Put d bread inside
LYLON*....


*I strong KAKARAKA*....


*Please help me SLOW that
fan*....
*Have they BROUGHT lite?
*....
*Oya come and be going*....
*I KUKUMA don't have your
time*....
*Shebi u have BB charger*....
*See how her eye is
entering my food*....
*The FILM is SWEET*....
*Have you paid your school fees
money?*....
*If I hear pim, u go hear
weeen*....
*Did you see d sound of my
ringtone?*....
*I know you yaf come since
because I hear perfume*
*I can't CoME and
Die*

You know the rest...

                                                              - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

WOOING AN ILLITERATE GIRL

Boy:             Can I have your bb pin?


Girl:             Sorry I don't move around with sharp
                   object.


Boy:             Let me follow you on twitter!


Girl:             Follow who? sorry I like going alone o.k


Boy:             How can I find you on face book?


Girl:             Am on the last page


Boy:             Please what's ur twitter account?


Girl:             Do you want 2 pay money? I use union bank
                   and zenith bank


Boy:             Are you on 2go?


Girl:             Oh yes! no time, am on to go.


                                                                   - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

LOVE MAKING TIME-TABLE

A young wife, who was becoming upset with her
young husbands constant demands for sex, decides
to make a schedule for him to reduce the number
of times that they will have to make love for the rest
of the marriage. While getting ready for
work,she writes on a piece of paper,
"honey, you know I love you, but your never ending 
requests for sex are leaving me drained
and really tired. So I propose dat we only have sex
on days that starts with the letter "T", to minimize
the frequency of our love-making sessions.
Don't be mad at me, just understand where am
coming from, and let me know if my request is too
demanding for you".
She uses a refrigerators magnet and sticks the
note to the fridge door, hoping that her husband
will agree and accept her proposal when he reads
it..


Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator
and notices dat her note has been replaced with a
another note from her husband dat reads, "Baby,I
didn't realise dat I was putting u under so much
pressure and I'm sorry..I accept yur proposal and
have even taken the extra step of listing at the
bottom of this letter, those days starting with the
letter "T" to make sure that we're on the same page..


1.TUESDAY
2.THURSDAY
3.TODAY
4.TOMORROW..
PS: I Love U too, and
remember it's still
TODAY, I'm waiting for
you upstairs!!!.


                                                                                   - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

BREAST BITE FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS

An old man is walking down the street one
afternoon when he sees a woman with
perfect breasts.


He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me
BITE your breasts for $100?"


"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps
walking away.


He was determine never to let go easily, runs 
around the block and gets to the corner before she does.


 "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"
 he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"




So the little old man was more determine, runs around
 the next block and faces her again, 
"Would you let me bite your breasts -
 just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says,
"Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not
here. 
Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off
her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts
in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and
starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks,
'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "these pretty little treasure costs too
much!"

                                                                                 - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus  

THE DRUNK

A drunk husband returned home from his late night outing, and as usual, he is so drunk and out of sense. 

The following discussion took place between him and his wife:

Husband :          My dear is like the toilet is now automatic

Wife :               What are you implying

Husband:           When i open door, the light came on, and after i eased my bowel, i close the door and       

                        the light went off. Can you just believe that!

Wife:                 Idiot...!!! you are so dumb. you just urinated in REFRIGERATOR!

                                         - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus   

TEACHING THE TEACHER

The following dialogue ensued between a teacher and one of her

student while in a class session:

Teacher:    John, who is the President of Iraq?

John:        I don't know.


Teacher:    You need to focus more on your
                 studies.


John:         Yes Ma.




John:         Can I ask a Question ma ?


Teacher:     Yes u can !


John:          Madam, do you know Rita?


Teacher:     No I don't.


John:         Ma, I think you need to focus more on
                  your husband!!!


                                                                               - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

THE FART GAME

An old married couple no sooner hit the
pillows when the old man passes gas and
says, 'Seven Points.'


His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the
world was that?'


The old man replied, 'its fart football', i just created the game.


A few minutes later his wife also lets one out and
says, 'Touch down, tie score...'






After about five minutes the old man lets
another one out and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14
to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another
one and says,
'Touch down, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little
squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' 


Now the pressure is on the old man,
he refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he
strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives iteverything he's got, and accidentally SHITS
in the bed.
The wife yelled, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, time to switch sides.




                                                                                   - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus

MY WIFE'S ROBOT

A woman was having sex with her

lover in an apartment 20 stories high
when the husband suddenly
returned from a long trip.


 she heard footsteps of her husband approaching, so
she told the lover, "
don’t move at all I will resolve
this“.


the husband came in and the
following dialogue ensued...






Husband:       who is this? (pointing to the lover)

Wife:              oh sweetie this is just a robot I bought to have sex with 
                      when you are not around such that I would not cheat 
                      with your friends or neighbors since you know you are
                       always travelling. And I’m a woman, I have needs.
Husband:        ok I understand perfectly. Well let’s
                       do a quickie now I came home as fast as I could, I am
                       extremely starved honey.
Wife:               no honey yesterday I got my menstrual period. Take a
                       bath and let me prepare you something to eat. 


The husband is left alone in the room
with the lover as the wife walked out.


Husband:         hey I’m so horny let me take it out on this robot instead. 
                        (He tried to enter the robot from behind, and with a metallic
                        and robotic voice the lover proclaims)


Lover:              “system error! system error!! wrong hole”

Husband:          what! this crappy robot, I’m going to throw it
                         out of the damn window. 
                         (The lover realizing he is 20 stories high exclaimed)


Lover:               "software update you can try the hole again! I repeat, try the 
                          hole again!




                                                                              - Aluko Olumide Rapvirus